I have never been so exhausted in my whole life! by Gretchen Kellaway

"I have never been so exhausted in my whole life!"

It's a phrase I hear myself saying at some point of the day, nearly every day. I rub tired eyes, I

peek at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I really look like I have been caught in a windstorm.

My eyes are red-rimmed, my face is drawn with a frown, my hair which is nearly always

up in some kind of bun thingy has flyaway stragglers and strange bumps from just pulling it

back quick. I long for my bed at least 40% of every day and yet when the house finally gets

quiet, the last thing I want to do is sleep.

I know I have been this tired before. I have worked two jobs, long hours, gotten up for middle

of the night feedings for 11 years. I have stumbled through insomnia with two hours of sleep. I

have been up before 5 am more times than I can count and back to sleep by 2 am.

Exhaustion is just a part of me.

Yet, I mumble it to myself more lately. Longing for a nap, a quiet minute, a restful hour,

Some time to myself. I look around at my disaster of a house and I feel guilty, because there is

always something that needs doing, someone that wants something- and here I am begging

for a minute to myself, when there are no minutes to spare, except in sleep.

Is this normal? Please tell me that being so utterly exhausted that even the thought of a

shower seems like too much work thatI have considered the exact limit a pair of stretch

pants has before they must be swapped out for new. That upon rising, I have brushed my

teeth so quickly and barely dragged a brush through my hair just to get the single hour of

quiet before the kids wake up! Tell me this is normal!?

Tell me it is normal to have everything including the garbage can placed up high, out of reach,

because my youngest child feels every territory is his territory. That even though I managed three times out of these four not to let one of my children "own" me, this last one is very much in

charge and I am letting him be. That at the end of the day, I just push toys and whatever out

of my way with my foot because bending down to pick stuff up is too much work. It's just

gonna be back there tomorrow. What's the point!?

I am so exhausted all the time that I dream about sleeping when I do finally sleep. I am so

exhausted that I can sleep almost anywhere and a 20 minute nap feels like six hours.

I know I am not alone in this constant state of tired. I know that it isn't even parents only who

get to own the title of most exhausted people on the planet. I am going to blame a Vitamin D

deficiency, but reality is for me, the truth of my near fatal yawn factor is all my own fault.

I allow a one year old to demand, destroy and terrorize me all day, every day and when he

does lie down for a nap, I find myself tossing a coin on whether I should do that too or play

some Bubble Witch, peruse Facebook, write some blog post or procrastinate for the two and

half hours he sleeps. I wait till the last possible second to walk to pick up the boys from school, so I am pushing myself that last block to get to Inch's door a few seconds before the bell rings, instead of leaving early so I can walk at my own pace.

I never just clean the house everyday, oh no, I wait for one day to clean one room till even the

walls are shining and I flop in my recliner aching and exhausted, ten times over.

I allow noise to stress me out! I allow their voices, their questions, their antics to make me feel

insane. I feel myself slowly pulling hair and rubbing eyes and praying and wishing for bedtime.

I do things on days when I have all the things to do, so by the time the last thing is done I hate

everyone, everything and want to cry.

I say no when I mean yes and yes when I mean no. I sometimes say nothing and just let

them do what they want because now, now after 11 years of parenting and doing everything

"the right way," (PS there is no right way) my children own me and I know arguing with Smiles

over his attitude, his homework, his hygiene, will just tire me out more. So will forcing Inch to

eat two, JUST TWO more pieces of whatever meat we are having for dinner, is a battle I am

going to lose. I know these things, yet I still attempt, half heartedly at best most days, but I

always try.

And I know I should organize, I know we should plan things! I know! I know! I know! Yet, I also

know, shit happens! Life becomes messy and disorganized and chaos happens. I know

that I might feel awesome tomorrow and do all the things and be champion of the world! *the

crowd goes wild*

Yet I also know this isn't the most exhausted I have ever been or will ever be and

while at this moment, right this second, I am feeling so depleted of energy I want to throw up and crawl into a cave somewhere. Preferably far, far away from here, where it is quiet and dark. I also know I wouldn't trade the noise for silence. Silence is creepy! I have lived in silence and I

don't like it. I wouldn't trade the battles or the testing of a one year old monster.

I will never give up my extra few hours alone at night after bedtime, when the house is quiet,

when the children are asleep to grab my time for me. Just like I won't give up that extra quiet

hour in the morning before they wake up.

I will take naps when I can, if I feel the need to do so. I will sleep extra time when The

Husband is home to tap out on.

I won't cry over every day off when I know summer is nearly 3 months of them constantly

wanting to do things! OH NO! However, this will not be the last time I scrutinize my reflection

and cry about how tired I am!

Tomorrow is another day after all!

Gretchen- Like everything she writes, Gretchen’s blog “How My Brain Works” is honest and heartfelt. Gretchen’s self-proclaimed “wandering brain” is a result of her trying to balance all the things! From wrangling four boys, working on her art projects, and being heavily involved in Scouts, she sometimes wonders how her brain works at all! Gretchen’s greatest achievements to date are not duct taping her children to chairs and being honored as a Trailblazer in Scouting. She is married to Patrick and has a serious obsession with tea, collecting owls and reading science fiction. Check out how her brain works here:http://howmybrainworks.weebly.com/about.html