Sayonara Prince Charming

Well, we survived our first holidays as a "consciously uncoupling" family. Coming into the Christmas season, I was a little worried about how I was going to feel about it all. I wondered if it would be too emotional to hang up all the familiar ornaments and decorations that were such a happy part of over 20 years together…and of what I believed would be my forever. It turns out, the misery that invaded our happy home over the last three years was a big help in getting me over the anticipated pain of my first Christmas alone since a whole lifetime ago.

As I broke out all the holiday décor at the beginning of Thanksgiving week, I started to worry about how it would all affect me. Of course, I also worried about how it would affect the kids…especially, my daughter. On my Facebook page, I wrote all about how surprised I was by how I actually felt a great deal of joy, in remembering all the happy times that went along with each item as I took them out of their boxes. And the giant, life sized sled that my husband built for me when we first moved to the suburbs…and we had a giant lawn on which to display it…and that he gave me because he truly loved me…it was so much easier to have it as the centerpiece of my Christmas decorations because my parents and my oldest brother managed to get it out on the lawn, before I got home from work one day. Getting that 250 pound monstrosity out of the garage was part of a family effort to make this first Christmas alone a happy one for me and my kids…that added more joy to the story of the sled. I'm sure that the sadness of those last awful years together, that left me pulling out all the decorations by myself, (yes…250 pounds of giant, Santa transportation, BY MYSELF), prepared me for being alone. However, the actuality of not having my 'til-death-do-you-part husband living under the same roof had me feeling apprehensive. But as surprised as I was to find joy in my boxes of memories, I was just as surprised by how smoothly and easily we all transitioned into life as a separated family.

I won't go into the gory details about what brought about the demise of my happily ever after. I really believed, with all my heart that after finding all the wrong men, THIS would be the one who would NEVER let me down. I even have a little clip from Cinderella playing at the beginning and end of our wedding video. But yada, yada, yada…he decided he hated me…that I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong in his life, (including the "broken" son with autism), and he was moving on to greener, (skanky, bottom-feeding), pastures. Sayonara! But the reality of living without my "prince" has proven to be a great gift. The test of this first holiday season has taught me how very strong a person I am, and what a fool I was to ever have allowed him to cause me to question myself as a mother, and as a woman. And if ever I was worried about how my kids were going to handle life without their dad in the house…they have proven how very strong and resilient they are. Not only are they NOT upset, but they seem to be thriving in his absence. Without the constant stress and tension of hatred looming in the house, we are all relaxed and ridiculously happy. What a great blessing!

Every holiday event I attended, with or without my children, was an indescribable pleasure. There was no one telling me to hurry up. No one was telling me what time I had to go home. I didn't have anyone giving me those sideways glances of disapproval every time I laughed too loud. I also had no designated driver, so there were no cocktails for mommy at all the festivities. But the added bonus of NOT having that constant, ominous judgment hanging over me was I felt a whole lot less like I needed a drink. His constant disapproval and judgment of me were in sharp contrast to the "unconditional love" he proclaimed, each time I asked him, (over our 22 years together), "Why do you love me?" Clearly, he had no idea what "unconditional" meant. But thanks to his choice to forsake his vows, (so that he could weasel out of "forsaking all others), I have learned how very much I love MYSELF…UNCONDITIONALLY. And I have learned to love the prospect of navigating my own way through the rest of my life…without having to be constantly reminded of how "wrong" I am in his eyes. The liberation of my own soul is almost overwhelming. Even as I dropped off the kids at my in-laws' on Christmas Eve, and the man who promised to love me forever couldn't even make eye contact, or manage a "Merry Christmas", and when he picked up the kids on the night of my birthday, and he couldn't acknowledge the mother of his children, I didn't feel hurt by him. I felt sorry for him. To be that completely detached from someone he once swore he would NEVER leave…that level of complete isolation can only come from a place of emotional emptiness…how horribly sad for him. And how very thankfully, it was no longer my problem.

We're still going through the divorce process. I have no idea how it will all turn out. I don't know how quickly I will have to sell our home. He's in an awful hurry to pull the rug out from under his own kids, but I imagine at some point during the legal division of assets, we will have to give up the house. I have no idea where we will end up, or how we will manage to support ourselves. Life with a low functioning, extremely dependent autistic child makes it difficult to find work that allows for full time, after school, special needs child care. But I'm not terribly worried about it. I have always found a way to survive in my life before Prince Charming…I have no doubt I will manage now that he is gone. And as I took down the Christmas trees, and packed away all the ornaments, I had to rethink my organization of every piece. Instead of packing away the "ornaments for the family room tree" and the "Disney bells for the front hallway tree", I am choosing to simply separate each style of ornament, and just labeling them as they are. And instead of feeling sad about the prospect of having to give up this home that I and my kids love so very much, I'm putting away all the boxes and wondering, "On what adventures will they accompany us?" Wherever we end up, I am so very grateful for the life I have enjoyed so far, and for all the stories that are attached to everything that will come with us. I'm even grateful for the pain and the failures that have brought me wisdom and strength. And more than anything else I have felt throughout the survival of this first holiday season without my prince, I am grateful for the hope I have for wherever I might go next. While I am feeling rather cynical about the prospect of finding love again, I am enjoying this newfound love of myself, and the confidence that I can finally be the happy mother my kids deserve. And now that it's all over, and I vacuum up the last of the pine needles, I can say that for the first time in a long time, it really was a Merry Christmas.

Honey Badger is a pen name that allows Honey to write with brutal honesty about all the crap that REALLY happens, while protecting the other characters in the story. A newly single mom of three, she writes about her passion for equal rights, finding joy in the challenges of autism, tween angst, the battles of marriage that led to divorce, and just about anything in between. She finds a way to laugh about all of it, and can very often be found dancing.

Check out her blog: http://justaminutemycapeisinthedryer.blogspot.com/

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