Why my Wife Doesn't take me out in Public

When you first have kids you go through a phase I call the Want vs. Need stage. From jumpers to stroller, you feel the need to purchase all the items. Every item feels like a must buy even though realistically you don't actually need the baby swing 3000 with giraffe legs. A trip to your local Babies R' Us turns into you asking the sales rep to just give you one of everything, am I right? As you drain your bank account on whale tubs and diaper genies you start to realize a lot of the things are as frivolous as they are unnecessary.

I was guilty of trying to get my kids everything! Our registry at the store read like an inventory of their infant section. One item I felt like I needed and I'm glad I never got was one of those contraptions that allows you to strap your kids to your chest or back. I still have no idea what they're actually called because I always had a special name for them. You're strapping things, well babies, to your chest and back. Post 9/11. My mind jumps to the dark place.

Having twins I wanted one where I could strap both of my boys to my persons. Now I had found one on the Internet, but being the impatient man I am, I had to have it immediately. What if I wanted to attack the local Walmart with adorableness exploding off of my chest? Two weeks of shipping, no way, I needed to get to strapping the kids to my chest immediately. So I loaded up my family and headed straight to Babies R' Us, in search of said device.

Now before I continue, I'm not the best with public situations and I was born without a filter.

We walk into the store and the sweetest sales associate approached us. This is a lovely woman in her fifties, she has a nice smile and didn't appear to have given up on life yet.

"How may I help you?" She cheerily said.

"I need one of those devices to strap children to me like a bomb!" I exclaimed, rather loudly.

Her smile? Gone. As her jaw dropped to the floor and my wife hissed my name at me I still waited for a response. By the way, add Babies R' Us to the list of places saying bomb is frowned upon. Lesson learned.

"EXCUSE ME SIR?"

"I want to take my kids and strap them to my chest like a suicide bomber, but I'm exploding with cuteness"

At this point the moms-to-be, diaper genie worshippers and sales associates in the area began glaring at me. My wife started to intervene and take over the conversation. I'm pretty sure someone called Homeland Security at this point too. Turns out they only had the singleton version of the baby terrorist kit and they no longer wanted me in their store.

My wife and I went to two more stores after this. You can add Walmart and Target to the list of places you shouldn't say things about becoming a baby terrorist. People don't make the same correlation between the contraption and terrorism that I do.

I never did get a double baby bomber kit, which is a good thing. Never factored that babies can be heavy. Strapping two of them to my chest, everywhere we went, would have become exhausting and too much like going to the gym for me. Besides, strollers are much much easier and a necessity in my opinion. I mean they have wheels and you can pretend to be a race car driver. Asking for something you can put your child in to race them around a store is much better than asking what you can get to strap your children to your chest like they are bombs.

Did you have a must buy item? Was it frivolous or necessary? Do you find strapping children to your chest eerily similar to terrorism?

Briton Underwood- Briton’s popular blog, “Punk Rock Papa: Adventures In Fatherhood” is a hilarious yet heartfelt take on being a young father. He is a self- proclaimed hipster and father to two Punk Rock toddler twins and an up-and-coming baby Punk. Briton believes that Jesus loves all of His children, even the ones with Mohawks. He reigns over the blogging group, the “Brainstorm Bunker, a fast-growing blogging group who shares ideas and laughter with each other every day. Briton’s most prized possession is his pair of green skinny jeans. Follow him here: http://punkrockpapa.wordpress.com/

#humor